Totally Random

Lying there on the couch in the living room, after everyone in the house went to sleep. I open my favorite Maher Zain playlist, and I lie there listening to the most inspiring voice ever! Oh God! his voice just puts me in this peaceful mood. I lie there thinking about everything that's been happening this week. The first week in college. So far, so good, but I feel like I've lost interest in graduating. I just have a lot of plans inside my head that fully occupy my mind. This is how it always goes; I get excited about something for a minute, and then the next minute whoooosh gone !

I know I'm a weirdo. I even admit that I have a stupid side of me that shows most of the time, and I'm ok with that. I mean I wasn't, but I guess I got used to it. I hate feeling down, and all the grief and sorrow that come along with this feeling. I remember that day when i decided to stop thinking and just go out there and face whatever life is going to throw at my face. It was one great day! walking around with nothing inside my head..or let me say "pretending" that nothing is going on inside my head, and with a fake smile on my face. What surprised me was that the day went perfectly well, better than any other day..even though I was faking it !

But what I really thought about afterwards is, can I really "stop" thinking? blaaaakh! I hate myself when I start thinking. I remember this movie "Peaceful Warrior", when the old man told the guy that he has to throw out all the garbage inside his head. wow! I really need to do that, but I have no idea how! If only there was this machine that you could put on the top of your head, and it just sucks all the "trash" and negative thoughts out :)

Anyway, I think I'll go back to my playlist....maybe that'll take my mind off things for a while :)

why does it always have to be like this?

Just finished watching a movie called "My Life Without Me"...hmmmm it was one tragic movie full of drama, not boring, but not my type though. It was about this woman who found out that she has a tumor in her ovaries and that she's going to die in two months. She preferred not to tell anyone about that, and kept it to herself. She wrote a journal about all the things she wants to do before dying. Interesting! Although there's something that I didn't like, not about the movie, bas in general ya3ny.........why do we have to know when we'll die to wake up and start living our lives to the fullest? she knew she'd die in two months, that's why she went out there and did all the things she wanted to do. tayeb eh ya3ny? ma we could die the next minute! It really annoys me when people do that..ya3ny lazem t3rafo hatmooto emta 3alashan t3eesho sa7?

The good old days..

Oh how I miss those days! those good old days :) my childhood.....Although I don't remember exactly if it was a happy or a sad one, but I sure remember that it wasn't full of all this drama I'm living in right now. I miss life back then. I miss how simple it was. I miss how my biggest worries was how I was going to dig under my bedroom and have a secret laboratory :) and thinking for weeks whether I should tell my sister about it or just keep it as my ultimate secret. I miss how everyone would look at me and smile, cuz I'm just another child who has no idea what' they're going to face in the future. I miss my dreams and aspirations. I miss how I wasn't scared to try new things. I miss how everything seemed much simpler and how life seemed more fun. I miss being irresponsible, dependent, and worry-free. Oh how I miss being a child.....

A story that left me with a smile =)

"I'm not exactly the most prepared person and I usually never remember to carry an umbrella. I was walking to class one day when suddenly a summer rainstorm started. Somehow, on this occasion, I actually happened to have an umbrella and it was my favorite color too, hot pink! I smiled as I walked on in the sloshing rain, enjoying myself in my dry haven, thinking happily that “I've got it all together today." That's when I saw her. She was walking near the admission office and had a bag slung over her shoulder with some papers in her hand. But, what caught my eye was the beautiful baby girl she was holding in her arms, desperately trying to shield her from the downpour. Another day when I didn’t have an umbrella! I proudly went to class with dripping hair and wet clothes. Some things are just more important." -- brandimcline

Thinking...at the wrong time!

I hate it. I hate it when I can’t get myself to sleep. Not that I’m not tired or anything. I’m dead tired right now so I went to lie in my bed, and I closed my eyes to get some sleep. And suddenly, those weird thoughts started spreading inside my head…

”hmmm, what if seven years ago, I had reacted to this situation differently, how would the world be a better place today?”

WHAT? WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT THAT NOW, AND WHO CARES ABOUT THE WORLD ANYWAY!?

And then another thought would come up

“oooh I wonder how it feels like sleeping on the other side of the bed”

“I miss her sooooo much”

“How will I change the world?”

And now an image comes up

*a picture of me smiling with a lot of fans surrounding me thanking me for changing their lives, and there’s media everywhere to cover this event*

“I messed up that interview today, duuuh I always mess things up”

“I wonder if there’s someone out there thinking about me :)”

“maybe next time I see him I should slap him on the face”

“I need to go shopping for next week’s camp”

“slippers….yes! I need new slippers!”

“Am I still awake?”

OH YES YOU ARE! STOP THE STUPID THOUGHTS PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK. YOU DON’T USUALLY THINK THROUGHOUT THE DAY AND NOW IT’S SUDDENLY TIME TO THINK!?

Oh sorry. I hate it. I really do. I can’t stop the thoughts inside my head whenever I close my eyes. As if by closing my eyes, I’m unlocking the door to my wondering mind..hmmm, maybe I should start considering spending the rest of my life with my eyes closed, this will help me think more!

Argh! I need to go back to bed..

I got plenty of nothing

I got plenty of nothing
And nothing's plenty for me
I got no car - got no mule
I got no misery

A Frank Sinatra song that I just ran into a few minutes sgo. Hmmmm, another happy motivating song! I love this kind of songs like "blue skies" and "smile". They sure brighten my day, and fill me with positive energy.

Folks with plenty of plenty
They've got a lock on the door
Afraid somebody's gonna rob 'em
While there out (a) making more - what for

I was talking to a friend a few days ago (I don't even remember who that friend was) but the topic of failure was brought up, and we kept talking about how we should "supposedly" try and fail, try and fail, and that we shouldn't feel the slightest feeling of regret everytime we fail. "At least we tried", that was her point.

I remembered then this quote I read once that was something like, "If you keep lying down on the floor, you'll never fall!" haha very true! and Oh my God, I love lying on the floor xD Isn't it the best thing to do!? Why bother and get up? to fall!? how stupid is that? :D Just like what Sinatra said, when you have plenty of nothing, all you can lose is nothing, haha!

I know I'm talking nonsense right know, and that's so not me..but hey, I guess it's time to lie on the floor for a while, and watch the stars and the skies :) till I have the strength to get up and move on..

I got no lock on the door - that's no way to be
They can steal the rug from the floor - that's OK with me
'Cause the things that I prize - like the stars in the skies - are all free

Misery

I can't stop listening to the same song since yesterday. I'm not just listening to it, I feel like I'm living inside the song. And what is really weird is that it doesn't apply to me.......oh wait, maybe it does!!!

It just feels good having this song on repeat, and sighing every time the song starts playing. It's a sad song, and I can't help but getting all the negative energy transfered from the song to my soul. A few tears start slipping from my eyes, and I feel miserable. Not sure where this misery comes from. The song is either a magical song casting me under its spell, or I'm simply very stupid.

I turn off this miserable song, and play my favorite happy song that always cheers me up whatever my mood is. But still. I feel the misery all over the place. It's not just in me. Everything is miserable around me. MISERY IN THE AIR. ummmm and I think I kind of like this feeling .... I decide to play the sad song again. I'm enjoying the pain. I want to sit there in the dark and feel sorry for myself.

Me, myself, I, and the misery .........